SHEL SILVERSTEIN
I'M SO GOOD I DON'T HAVE TO BRAG
(Cadet 4052)
1965
1.
MODERN TALK
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Melody Trails Music, BMI »
There was a time when people taked said with their mouth
How they talk and it doesn't mean a thing it's called the modern talk
Now picture the scene the day is sunny
A man meets a friend and asks him for some money
He says I need five to keep me alive
And the friend gives him this kinda jive
He says zaa za voo za za voo I can't make it
Va za va za voo za va see ya later so long see you later
Vome zoo za vome a viddle o till then
And he's right back out on the street again
And then a girl gets on the phone and talks to her lover
She says we got troubles that we can't keep covered
I just got the news I'm knittin' baby shoes
Now call up the preacher and pay your dues
He says zaa za voo za za voo see you later so long huhuh
I can't stand baby vome zoo za vome till then
And she's right back out on the street again
And then a guy gets grabbed by an army recruiter
He says we're gonna put you in the khaki suiter
So do not cry and don't you lie but take this test to qualify
The guys says blblblblblbl huhuh till then
And he's right back out on the street again
And then a lady goes down to see her psychiatrist
And lies on a couch to give her little head a twist
Now is it a psychosis or is it a neurosis the doctor gives her this diagnosis
Sayin' huhuh listen huhuh twenty dollars
Huhh next Wednesday baby then we'll huhuh then
She's right back out on the street again
And then the preachers in the church they're blessin' and damnin'
Presidents standin' there just Vietnamin'
While the animals sing and politicians swing
And everybody's sayin' the same damned thing
They're sauin' zaa za voo za za voo you know that's modern talk
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2.
I ONCE KNEW A WOMAN
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Melody Trails Music, BMI »
Well now I once knew a woman listen while I tell you all about her yeah
And the first time I seen her I knew I couldn't live without her
Well now she swore she'd love me all her life and I knew I'd do the same
God damn but I don't even remember her name I don't remember her name
Well now I once knew a woman and oh listen while I'm tellin' it to ya yeah
She had big brown eyes the kind that could look right through ya
Now that she looked in my soul with those big brown eyes
Got a feelin' like I never knew hey come to think of it those eyes were blue
I think those eyes were blue
Well now you end one love then onto another never thinkin' back at the past one
Never stop to think oh brother that the next one gonna be just like the last one
I once knew a woman listen while I tell you my story
She had a heart like the world her lips like a morning glory yeah
Well I knew at last I met my fate and I'm bound to settle down
Hey I wonder if she's still in town
Yeah I once knew a woman and listen while I tell you some more boys
Hey come to think of it I think I told bout her before boys
Well she is the one who gets my heart she sets my heart aflame
Yeah I still don't remember her name
Hmm come to think of it those eyes were blue or were they green
Hmm I wonder if she's still around hmm you know I'm really not to blame
Oh I still don't remember her name
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3.
SHE'S MY EVER LOVIN' MACHINE
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Hollis Music, BMI »
Hey boys you know once I was took in by a girl with a twinkly eye
And the first time that I wasn't lookin' she run off with a handsomer guy oh my
But I'm an ingenious feller yeah as soon as my brain got uncurled
I tiptoed right down to my cellar and I built a mechanical girl
Oh her arms are iron her legs are steel her hips are on wires attached to a wheel
And her spine is a coil that I now and then oil she's my ever-lovin' machine
She has no trouble making her mind up for I did not give her a mind
And her heart is a clock that I wind up so I know that she'll love me in time
Oh she never complains when I stay out all night she never complains I'm not rich
And each time I want her to cuddle me tight I simply turn on her switch
Oh her arms are iron...
My love is completely electric and she gives me a shock with each hug
And when the romance gets too hectic I simply pull out the plug
Oh she always did what she was supposed ter right up to this evening but then
She had an affair with the toaster and they ran off and left me again
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4.
LOOKIN' FOR MYSELF
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Melody Trails Music, BMI »
You may be lookin' for me but I ain't lookin' for you
I'm still lookin' for myself and I ain't got time to look for nobody else
When I found who I am and where I am
And if you come round again maybe then baby maybe then
You wanna follow me but honey can't you see
I don't know where the hell I'm goin'
How can I know your mind when I don't even know my own
Now when the road gets tough or when I get enough
Or maybe when I reach the end maybe then baby maybe then
So stick around or go away whichever one you choose
You ain't got a single thing that I think I can use
And you and I ain't shared a thing that I'm afraid to lose
You say that you love me but I don't love you
I love someone I never seen as she lives in a place that I never been
When I realize it's all in my eyes
Just one great big patent maybe then maybe then
Maybe then maybe then maybe then but I won't say when
Maybe then baby maybe then
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5.
UGLIEST MAN IN TOWN
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Hollis Music, BMI »
Handsome guys get girls that are pretty
Other guys make it cause they're clever and witty
But the only love I ever got I got out of pity cause I'm the ugliest man in town
Yeah I drive down the street in a Roys Rolls car
Use hundred dollar bills when I light my cigar
But you know folks that really don't get you very far
When you're the ugliest man in town
There was a note on the doorstep where I was found
Is said this poor child weighs eleven pounds
So bring him up healthy and welthy and sound
Keep his back to the light don't let him turn around
Yeah all you women you're heartless and cold all you want is my silver and gold
Don't you know I've got a beautiful soul though I'm the ugliest man in town
Yeah I'm so ugly I gotta shave in the dark
The kids start to cry when I walk through the park
The clock stop tickin' and dogs start to bark whenever I come around
Oh oh oh I walk down the street the girls all hiss me
If I died tomorrow not one of them would miss me
Only reason they ball me is they can't stand to kiss me
I'm the ugliest man in town oh yeah the ugliest man in town
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6.
I'M SO GOOD THAT I DON'T HAVE TO BRAG
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Melody Trails Music, BMI »
Now I'm warnin' all you women don't stand too close to me cause you might catch fire
Now you're talkin' to a man in a whole other kind of bag
Well I'm three parts tiger and one part snake
I'll ball you to sleep and I'll bite you awake
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag
I need an adding machine to count up all the women I've ruined for other men
Now compared to me Paul Bunyan is a screamin' fag
I can shift more gears and pump more juice I'll turn you every which way but loose
And I'm so damn good that I don't have to brag
Now there's twenty thirty beautiful women a sleepin' at the foot of my bed
And every night every night I hear 'em sighin'
They say that I don't miss a thing they say that I'm the lovin' king
And I'm too nice a guy to say they're lyin'
Now I've been makin' love professionally since I was only six years old
And I really learned the way to wiggly wag
And still I'm such a modest man you know I'm twice as great as I think I am
I'm so good that I don't have to brag
There's a line of chicks startin' at my window and reachin' across the street
And it stretches 'way to the other side of town
They come to me from across the seas on their knees just sayin' Please
And I'm too nice a guy to turn 'em down
Now I once got captured by some Amazon women down in the Fiji Isles
They were fightin' over me to see who'd be my bride
I had to kill them all and I will admit it and I won't tell you how I did it
But I'll tell you each one was smilin' when she died
Now the day I die every woman in the country's gonna go around dressed in black
And they'll probably add another star to the American flag
And they'll build me a monument forty feet high sayin' it's a shame he had to die
He was so damn good he never had to brag
And I'm tellin' you men keep your eighteen year old daughters off of my back
And your wives they like the way I carry on
And why don't you go look at your mother for a while
You notice she's wearin' a funny sorta smile
Well that just means I've been there and I've gone
Now if you got a frigid woman I'm gonna cure her for a hundred dollars
You can bring her around my house at four o'clock
And you can come and pick her up at 4:03 if you can pry her off of me
I got a whole lot of others just waitin' 'round the block
Now if you're wonderin' how you're gonna get to me
Better bring a Cadillac full of money
Cause I sure as hell ain't gonna swing without no swag
I can make you creep I can make you crawl make you scream and climb the wall
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag
So Baby don't call me up at three o'clock in the mornin' no more threatenin' suicide
I mean go ahead and do it honey cause wakin' me up is a drag
And you can leave a note for all the rest sayin' at least you had the very best
And he's so damn good that he don't have to brag
Now I'm warnin' all you women don't stand too close to me cause you might catch fire
Now you're talkin' to a man in a whole other kind of bag
I'm three parts tiger and one part snake I'll ball you to sleep and I'll bite you awake
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag
**********
7.
MERMAID
(Shel Silverstein - Jim Friedman)
« © '65 Hollis Music, BMI »
Hey when I was a lad in fishing town an old man said to me
You can spend your life your jolly life just sailing on the sea
Now you can search the world for pretty girls till your eyes are weak and dim
But don't go swimming with the mermaid son if you don't know how to swim
If you don't know how to swim
For her hair is green as seaweed and her skin is blue and pale
And I tell you now before you start you can love that girl with all your heart
But you're just gonna love the upper part you're not gonna like the tail
So I signed onto a whaling ship and my very first day at sea
I seen a mermaid in the waves reaching out to me
Come live with me in the sea said she and down on the ocean's floor
I'll show you a million wonderous things you never seen before
Oh you never seen before
So over I jumped and she pulled me down down to her seaweed bed
And the pillow made of tortoise shell she placed beneath my head
She fed me shrimps and caviar upon the silver dish
From her head to her waist she was my taste but the bottom part was a fish
Oh her bottom part was a fish
Oh her hair were green as seaweed her eyes were blue and pale
And I loved that girl with all my heart I vowed we'd never part
But I knew the back was not too smart cause I did not like the tail
And then one day when I looked up I saw a sailin' ship
And I met the stare of a millionaire out on a fishing trip
A diamond ring he tied to a string and lowered it down to the water
And my love divine she went for his line and that was the way he caught her
Yes that was the way he caught her
So I sat and cried to the tide same to the clams and whales
How I missed my love her seaweed hair and the silvery shine of her scales.
Just then her sister swam on by, and set my heart awhirl
For her upper part was an ugly old fish but the bottom part was girl
Yes the bottom part was girl
Yes her knees are pink and rosy and her toes are small and frail
Her body it's a work of art and I love that girl with all my heart
And I don't give a damn about the upper part and that's how I end my tale
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8.
I CAN'T TOUCH THE SUN
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Evil Eye Music, BMI »
No I can't touch the clouds for you I've never reached the sun for you
I've never done the things that you need done for you
I've stretched as high as I can reach I guess I'm not the one for you
Cause I can't touch the clouds or reach the sun for you
No I can't reach the clouds or touch the sun
No I can't turn back time for you and make you sweet sixteen again
I can't turn your barren fields to green again
And I can't sit around and talk of how might have been again
No I can't turn back time and make you young again
I can't turn back time and make you young
I can't look inside your mind and see the things you're hopin' for
I can't help you chase the dream you're gropin' for
I know your heart is open wide but I don't know who it's open for
Cause I can't know your mind or chase your dreams for you
Mhm I can't chase your dreams or know your mind
So say goodbye and don't look back I've had some happy days with you
I'm sorry but I can't be the one who stays with you
And if they ask about me you can say I was the one with you
Who never touched the clouds or reached the sun with you
I can't touch the clouds or reach the sun for you
I can't touch the clouds or reach the sun
**********
9.
PLASTIC
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Hollis Music, BMI »
Oh a little bitty termite you know he come knockin' knockin' on my front door
Well he walked right in sat right down started chewin' on the kitchen floor
You know he chewed out the walls and the ceilings and the halls Lord knows he tried
But he kept gettin' thinner and he never got no dinner and finally he sat up and cried
He said it's plastic yeah he said it's plastic
Well you know it ain't no wood and it can't do me no good
Because it's plastic he said it's plastic
You know that everything's gonna be plastic by and by
Yeah an early one day in the month of May I went down to the beach
You know there were beauties and cuties in little bathin' suities
And all of them within my reach
Then a 38-24-36 miss just happened to be passin' my way
I said please don't think I'm nervy but you look so very curvy
Please tell me how you got that way
She said it's plastic she said it's just plastic
She said it's pretty as can be but you know that it ain't me
Because it's plastic she said it's plastic everything's gonna be plastic by and by
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10.
BETTER NOT ASK ME
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Melody Trails Music, BMI »
(Hey the truth might hurt so I'm tellin' you now that you better not ask me)
Hey you better not ask me where I been all night
Why my eyes are shinin' and my spirit is flyin'
You better not ask if I been doin' right or I just might tell you
And you better not ask me bout the girls I used to know
And days I used to run around before I ever met you
You better not ask how they compare to you or I just might tell you
And you better not ask me if I'm satisfied
With the way you've been givin' me what you call lovin'
Better not ask me bout the times I cried or I just might tell you
So keep on doin' what you're doin' and if you should see me straight
Well don't you ask baby just let it pass baby
And maybe it'll go away but I don't doubt it
You better not ask me if I'm gonna stick around
Or pack up all my bags and find another pretty city
You better not ask me who it is I found or I just might tell you
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11.
YOWZAH
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Hollis Music, BMI »
Well it wasn't too very long ago you know some folks walked with a hi-dee-ho
And other folks walked around kind of low
Sayin' Yowzah and Sho nuff and Yassuh boss
It was ashes to ashes and dust to dust and they didn't believe in makin' a fuss
So they quietly moved to the back of the bus
They just say Yowzah and Sho nuff and Yassuh boss
And when things got rough they did a little prayin'
Little arm wavin' and a little bit of swayin'
Didn't do no good they kept right on a sayin'
Sayin' Yowzah and Sho nuff and Yassuh boss
So they all went out and did a little standin' little less askin' and a lot more demandin'
Little less liftin' and a little less totin' a lot more thinkin' and a lot more votin'
A lot less hopin' a lot less waitin'
A whole lot more demonstratin'a lot less pearly gate'n'
A lot more fightin' and a lot more walkin' until finally no one at all was talkin'
Like Yowzah and Sho nuff and Yassuh boss
The end of this story is plain to see they finally achieved equality
And now like you and me they can stand up strong and free
And say Yes sir and Of course sir and Anything you say JB
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12.
LEMMEBESOMETHIN'
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Melody Trails Music, BMI »
Now if I can't be your hotdog lemme be your little weiner
Baby if I can't be your regular man lemme be your in betweener
And if I can't be your human torch lemme be your submariner
Well hey baby don't you leave me this way lemme be somethin'
Yeah If I can't be your Abercrombie bitch lemme be your five and tener
If I can't be your all-the-time lemme be your now-and-thenner
And if I can't be your now-and-thenner lemme be your you-tell-me-whenner
Mmm hey baby don't you leave me this way lemme be somethin'
And if I can't be your datenut bread lemme be your soda cracker
And if I can't be your boom-a-dee boom lemme be your clickity clacker
And if I can't be your seven-course meal lemme be your midnight snacker
Yeah baby don't you leave me this way lemme be somethin'
Yeah if I can't be your lovey-dovey lemme be your flirty-flirty
And if I can't be your orchestra lemme be your little hurdy gurdy
And if I can't be your Mr Clean lemme be your Mr Dirty
Oh hey baby don't you leave me this way lemme be somthin'
Hey if I can't be your Sunday man lemme be your Monday action
Yeah well if I can't be your big big show lemme be your coming attraction
And if I can't be your coming attraction lemme be your momentary satisfaction
Yeah well hey baby don't you leave me this way lemme be somethin'
And if I can't be your bombardier let me be your tail gunner
If I can't be your serious love lemme be your just-for-funner
And if I can't be your big collision lemme be your hit-and-runner
Yeah well hey baby don't you leave me this way lemme be somethin'
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13.
TESTING THE BOMB
(Shel Silverstein)
« © '65 Melody Trails Music, BMI »
Oh they're testing the bomb as I'm singing this song
They say not to worry cause nothing can go wrong
They're testing the bomb as I'm singing this song
They say not to worry cause nothing can
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