lp discography - covers & lyrics

If you don't believe it, just go out Interstate 65 to Exit 19, drive on through Brentwood, and between the shopping center and the country club you'll find an entire village of country houses. John D.Loudermilk's is the forty-eight, three bedroom brick on the right. Go on around back and knock on the kitchen door, 'cause nobody ever uses the front door in the country. Be careful not to step on the cat though. (You know how these country people are about their domesticated animals.) When John comes to the door, introduce yourself and shake hands. But when you do, make sure that you squeeze real tight. His Daddy told him that you could tell a lot about a man's character by his handshake. So try not to laugh, just hang on and grin, and look him straight in the eye when you talk and not at your shoes or his shirt button. Don't try to sell him any Fuller brushes, or a year's subscription to "Grit". He watches the ten-o'clock news like everybody else and, for God's sake, don't say ain't and you-all. He knows that sounds like hell as well as you do. State your business, go on in, sit down and make yourself at home, but take your hat off in the house...you know how superstitious country folk are. Talk about the weather, sports, flying saucers, anything but farming. If you ask him how's the crop doing, he'll tell you fine but they're about to drive the good wife out of her skull. (Their "crop" being three young sons...who are country boys, too.) If a wagon pulls up outside, don't look for the horse. He's under the hood with the rest of his 249 brothers. Loudermilk buys his hay at the Gulf station for 36 cents a gallon. He also gets his weekly supplies at the Kroger General Store conveniently located down the road about a country mile or two. Meet his wife, Gwen. She's country too. You can tell because her hair is long and straight and she talks slowly with a soft accent. She's shy and pretty and smiles a lot (Dule University, '56). If she asks you if you would like a drink, there's one little rule to remember in answering, if you're younger than she is, just "Yes thank you," will do. And don't expect moonshine Jack Daniels is a whole lot cheaper to buy than to make and it's not nearly as bad the next morning...despite the tax. Look around. His home pretty well represents how country people live nowadays. Running water in the kitchen (and two-and-a-half baths), incandescent electric lights (and heat and air conditioning), and, sure enough, a linoleum rug in the kitchen (wall-to-wall and seamless). Yea, these country people are a different breed all right. Notice what's lying over in front of the fireplace. Just what you'd expect to find in a sure-enough rural home. But wait, don't call it a hound, although it really is. The only difference is that, instead of being bred by hillbillies to hunt possum, this one was bred by Ethiopian Kings to hunt lions. And if that don't get it, look on the coffee table. The dead giveaway... an honest-to-goodness almanac. The old standby of the illiterate dirt farmer everywhere, especially in the South. But if you look close, you'll find that is is a nautical almanac and part of a celestial navigation course that John is studying at the present time. He hopes someday to sail his own sailboat (with his family as crew) around the world. It is amazing how backward these country people are. In a matter of hours you can fly around the world in a jet airplane and here this clod wants to do it in a sailboat. But, then again, country people are a different breed. Don't laugh at the old-timey furniture. It's not just something to do until they can afford some new Danish Modern. They actually like those old wingbacks and oriental rigs and even know the history and the background of almost every piece in the house. Be especially careful about calling the harpsichord in the living room that "old piano". It is old, around three-hundred years old, matter of fact, and considered by some to be an antique and worth having around. Country people are unfortunate is not having the opportunity to catch a first-run movie on Broadway at times, but don't feel sorry for them. They'll see it next week on TV anyhow. The A & P (with Kosher department) is down the road next to Shoney's and the car wash. And if the guest room won't hold the company, the Holiday Inn will. These country people have never been to Carnegie Hall, but they've got Red Seal albums that have. They couldn't fasten a halter around a mule's head, but you better believe they fasten their seat belts. Just like all country hicks, they're fairly suspicious, and why the hell not. (How many traveling-sales-men jokes have you heard where the traveling salesman gets the rough end of the bargain). So, they're leery of traveling salesmen. They even lock their house up at night, whether there's a burglar out there trying to break in or not. And if there is, there's usually a shot-gun in the closet that will take care of that. They hate taxes and at times swear the world is going straight to hell on a sled. They have an American flag in the yard and vote everytime they get a chance. They don't call potatoes "taters" and they know that "youse guys" is just as incorrect as "you-all." They know too much food will make you fat, too much booze will make you drunk, and that too many cigarettes will kill you deader 'n hell. They believe kids ought to be thanked when they do good, and spanked when they don't. They know tears are just as normal as laughter and they're not ashamed to do either in public if they feel like it. Why, these corny country hill people have been known to say family grace in a public restaurant. Yea, when you think about it, I guess country people are a different breed after all...especially nowadays.

- John D. Loudermilk -

JOHN D. LOUDERMILK

SUBURBAN ATTITUDES IN COUNTRY VERSE