1.

Drunk And Crazy

Shel Silverstein

© Evil Eye Music, BMI

Well hello everybody I've come to say
I didn't come to stay I just come to play
So lock all the doors and open up the wine
Tell all the pretty ladies to get in line

Cause I'm drunk and crazy drunk and crazy
Drunk and crazy gonna let the good times roll

Way cross the room I see a fancy fox
I got the key to open up her lock
I slide across the floor like a greasy eel
I say hey baby tell me how do you feel

I say I'm drunk and crazy drunk and crazy
Drunk and crazy gonna let the good times roll
[ guitar ]
Drunk and crazy drunk and crazy...

I was just about to put the cake in the oven
Look over my shoulder there's her big ol' husband
He was turnin' blue he was seein' red
He knocked me down slapped me round and stomped on my head

Drunk and crazy drunk and crazy
Drunk and crazy gonna let the good times roll

They got me to the hospital in the nick of time
I had fractured skull and a busted spine
When in come the doctor he could hardly stand
Got a bottle in his pocket and a scalpel in his hand

And he was drunk and crazy drunk and crazy
Drunk and crazy gonna let the good times roll

**********

2.

(# 41 country hit)

Food Blues

Shel Silverstein

© Evil Eye Music, BMI

I was waitin' in Rosie's Restaurant
When the waiter came up and said what do you want
I looked at the menu and it looked so nice
Till he said lemme give you some advice

He said spaghetti and potatoes got too much starch
Pork chops and sausage are bad for your heart
There's hormones in chicken and beef and veal
Bowl of ravioli is a dead man's meal

Bread got preservatives there's nitrites in ham
Artificial coloring in jellies and jam
Stay away from donuts run away from pie
Pepperoni pizza is a sure way to die

Sugar rots your teeth and makes you put on weight
But artificial sweetener's got cyclamates
Eggs got cholesterol there's fat in cheese
Coffee ruins your kidneys and so does tea

Fish got mercury red meat is poison
Salt's gonna send your blood pressure risin'
Hot dogs and bologna got deadly red dyes
Vegetables and fruits are sprayed with pesticides
[ guitar ]
So I said what can I eat that's gonna make me last
He said a small drink of water in a sterilized glass
And then he stopped and he thought for a minute
And said never mind the water there's carcinogenics in it

So I got up from the table and walked out in the street
Realizin' there was nothin' I could eat
I ain't eaten for a month and I'm feeling fine
Cause he did not mention beer whiskey women and sweet red wine

**********

3.

World's Last Truck Drivin' Man

Shel Silverstein - Robb Goldstein

© Evil Eye Music, BMI

The year is two thousand and eighty
And hardly a highway remains
Gone are the days of the diesel
And songs about wrecks in the rain
The Macs and MacLeans have all rusted away
The Harvesters rot in the sand
And in a deserted truck stop sits Tennessee Thompson
The world's last truck drivin' man

He lit up the world's last Lucky
Got his last cup of coffee refilled
Then he stared at the sky for one final high
Took the world's last little white pill
He said world you are losin' your truckers
And your suckers do not give a damn
You're freightin' in space and there just ain't no place
For a hard ridin' truck drivin' man

The world's last truck drivin' man
His left arm is losin' its tan
The rest all went broke and just went up in smoke
He's the world's last truck drivin' man

Then he sat there and drank to old mem'ries
And Doreen sat there dryin' his tears
Doreen was the world's last truck stoppin' waitress
She was weary and worn with the years
So he put his last dime in the world's last jukebox
For the lady he'd loved for so long
And there in that deserted truck stop they danced
To the world's last truck drivin' song

Then he climbed up inside his ol' semi
And Doreen she crawled up at his side
He shifted it down and the diesel's sad sound
Said this is your last homeward ride
So he whispered 10-4 to her and the Lord
As the microphone fell from his hand
And he came to the exit marked Tennessee Thompson
The world's last truck drivin' man

He was high ballin' straight through them bright pearly gates
When behind in the dust of his rig
Come the wailin' siren of ol' Smokey McKenzie
The world's last interstate pig
Hear 'em roar see 'em fly past the clouds through the sky
On that highway that don't have an end
But you know that's heaven for Tennessee Thompson
The world's last truck drivin' man and Doreen
The world's last truck drivin' man
10-4 and gone

**********

4.

I Can Almost See Houston From Here

Ray Willis

© Central Songs, BMI

From the cold Rocky Mountains of Denver
I can almost see Houston from here

I saw Mary's face in that little snowflake
That fell at my feet on the ground
And I heard my old friends in that last bitter wind
That blew back memories of my hometown

I can see the old crowd laughing so loud
Lord I miss all my loved ones so dear
From the cold Rocky Mountains of Denver
I can almost see Houston from here

I came here to build a dream and stayed to watch it die
I was meant to fail I guess Lord knows how I tried
With this old thumb I'll get a ride and bid a lonely last goodbye
To the cold Rocky Mountains of Denver
For I can almost see Houston from here

And funny how much better I can see without my pride
From the cold Rocky Mountains of Denver
I can almost see Houston from here

**********

5.

If That Ain't Love

Shel Silverstein

© Evil Eye Music, BMI

Baby I'm sorry I done you like that
I called you a name and I gave you a wack
I spit in your eye and gave your wrist a twist
And if that ain't love what is

In front of your apartment I waited all night long
To see who you'd come home with and if he done you wrong
Then I slapped your face and I stepped on his
And if that ain't love what is

I called up the police swore that you stole my car
Showed some naked pictures of you down at the bar
Pointed out the part of me you used to kiss
And if that ain't love what is

If that ain't love then a Cadillac ain't a car
And if you'd rather be with him than me
You're a stupider bitch than I think you are
I tore up your clothes threw 'em out in the rain
Flushed your birth control pills down the drain
If you don't want mine you can't have his
And if that ain't love what is

I stared at your picture till I went into shock
Sold my guitar and got my gun out of hock
Took a shot at you bare but I deliberatly missed
And if that ain't love what is
What is if that ain't love what is

**********

6.

Rock And Roll Hotel

Shel Silverstein

© Evil Eye Music, BMI

If you ever get down to Nashville way
And you're lookin' for a laid back place to stay
You ain't got too much money to pay
I know a spot that's got to blow you away
Just ring the bell on the Rock and Roll Hotel

Now the girl at the desk she got a lovely face
The bellboy plays guitar and bass
The cook boogie-woogies as he pours your tea
While the maids sing three parts harmony
They don't kiss'n tell at the Rock and Roll Hotel

You can call room service day or night
For anything that's gonna make you feel alright
You can make your music sin your sin
Boogie your woogie till your head caves in
Till your head caves in till your head caves in
[ guitar ]
There's a king size bed where you can just kick back
You got your own private studio with 99 tracks
You got a grand piano to play your tunes
While Donna the dealer goes from room to room
With goodies to sell at the Rock and Roll Hotel
We're goin' to hell to the Rock and Roll Hotel

**********

7.

Song Of The South

Bob McDill

© Ranger Bob Music, ASCAP / PolyGram Int, ASCAP

Cotton on the roadside cotton in the ditch
We all picked the cotton but we never got rich
Daddy was a veteran a Southern Democrat
Said they oughta kill a rich man to vote like that

Sing a song song of the south sweet potato pie and shut my mouth
Gone gone with the wind ain't nobody looking back again

Well I was eighteen fore I ate my fill
We lied on the garden and the cow's good will
Winter was wet and the summer was dry
And mama she was old at 35

Somebody told us Wall Street fell
So damn poor we couldn't even tell
Cotton was short and the weeds were tall
Mr Roosevelt's gonna save us all

Sing a song song of the south...

Mama got sick and daddy got down
County got the farm and they moved to town
Daddy took a job with the TVA
Bought a washin' machine and a Chevrolet

Sing a song song of the south...
Sing a song song of the south...
Sing a song song of the south...

**********

8.

Appaloosa Rider

George M. Jones

© ATV Songs, BMI

Well somewhere back around thirty six
I was standin' knee deep in the Oklahoma sticks
Pickin' them Jimmie Rodgers' licks like I owned 'em
And the girls in town loved what I'd do
I had Choctaw hair and eyes of blue
They'd call me baby I was six foot two and looked lonesome

Then yonder come a man in a big ol' car
With a black baret and a big cigar
Hee said son you're a natural cowboy star for sure
He looked at me and he said sign
I looked at him and I said fine
I wrote my name on the dotted line and I became
The Appaloosa Rider Appaloosa Rider Appaloosa Rider
Hero of the plains

Soon I was smilin' from magazines
My head slicked down with Vaseline
And all those bobby-sox babies' screams would ring
They'd pack 'em in like Main sardines
And stand 'em in the mezzanines
To see me ride cross the creen and sing

I hundred fights I musta won
A thousand bullets in my gun
And my hat staeyd on through all the fun and glory
But my real life pony had its hood adorned
With a big ol' set of western horns
While all America ate popcorn and marveled at the one and only
Appaloosa Rider Appaloosa Rider Appaloosa Rider
Hero of the plains

Well a real life villain had crossed the line
So I crossed Hollywood and Vine
And signed another dotted line my handle
But when I come back most all the noise
Was made for Hoppys Genes and Roys
And Hollywood had more cowboys than scandals

So here I am in the Oklahoma sticks
And out of all my old sidekicks
Jack Daniesls is the one who sticks around
But old friends and fans have begun to write
And I learned why the other night
When I woke up to a TV fight
The hero won and his hat stayed white
And guess who rode across my sight
I tell you I was dynamite
Appaloosa Rider Appaloosa Rider Appaloosa Rider
Appaloosa Rider Appaloosa Rider Appaloosa Rider

**********

9.

Bathroom Tissue Paper Letter

Ed Lee Pangborn

© Careers Music, BMI

I drive all day at hauling freight until I get my fill
And after five I'm always found at Dottie's Bar and Grill
I talked with all the local crowd a couple hours more
Then head for home where she is always waiting at the door

When I got home this evening about a half past ten
And found she wasn't waiting so I let myself on in
I headed for the icebox to get myself a beer
And found that little note that said my baby wasn't there

There was a bathroom tissue paper letter hanging on the wall
She said I just can't take no more and you can have it all
I'm taking what good sense I've got and leaving you behind
And you can take this letter and wipe me from your mind
Yeah you can take this letter and wipe me from your mind

**********

10.

(# 19 country hit)

Willie Jones

Charlie Daniels

© Blackwood Music, BMI / Kama Sutra Music, BMI

[ with Charlie Daniels ]

Willie Jones was a man I met when I lived in Baltimore
I was a guard and he was doing time
In the three long years he stayed there I got to know him well
Willie Jones was a friend of mine

He used to say buddy you know where I'm goin' when they let me out of here
Alabama could be heaven if the Lord was there
And he talked about the southland though he'd drifted from its shore
I never seen a man who loved it more

He talked about the whippoorwills in the Alabama night
Honeysuckle vine and sugar cane
Swimming holes and fishing poles and early morning frost
And sleeping under a tin roof when it rained

He talked about a country road and a cabin in the pines
And a girl with wavy long chestnut brown hair
He talked about the beauty of his Blue Ridge Mountain home
And damn near made me think that I was there

And he'd say buddy you know where I'm goin' when they let me out of here
Alabama could be heaven if the Lord was there
When a man ain't got no freedom the time sure passes slow
Willie Jones had ten long years to go

It's been almost a years now since that hot night in July
Willie hit the guard and jumped the fence
I had my rifle ready but I couldn't let it fly
I shot over his head and we ain't seen him since

Then last week the postman brought a letter to my door
Marked No Return Address and No Reply
It just said nobody north of Birmingham is gonna see this boy again
But if you're ever down our way won't you please drop by

Buddy you know where I'm goin'...

**********

11.

Gotta Get Rid Of This Band

Shel Silverstein

© Evil Eye Music, BMI

Oh I gotta get rid of this band
They're rockin' too hard for a country music man
I preach 'em and I teach 'em but they don't understand
I tell you folks I gotta get rid of this band

Now that fella there on lead guitar he's a natural dude
He never takes showers and just eats natural food
And if you shared a room with him then friends I think you'd understand
Just why I gotta get rid of this band
[ guitar ]
Now my friend there on piano he been known to do some dope
There's nothing he won't sniff or swallow or smoke
And sometimes he's just too damn stoned to help me reach the stand
Oh I gotta get rid of this band
[ piano ]
Those boys on bass and drums you know they're country through and through
But they wanna wear makeup like them rock stars do
But they smile at each other and sometimes they hold hands
Too long on the road I gotta get rid of this band

We got a honey talkin' pretty boy there on that steel guitar
And the girls don't realize that I'm the star
And when anybody interferes with my romantic plans
They're gone I gotta get rid of this band
[ steel ]
Oh I gotta get rid of this band...

**********

12.

Drinkin' And Druggin' And Watchin' T V

Shel Silverstein

© Evil Eye Music, BMI

If anyone met us they'd surely agree
We're proper as any two people can be
We're clean cut well mannered well dressed and polite
But oh if they'd see us at night

When we're drinkin' and druggin' and watchin' TV
Eatin' cold pizza and drinkin' ice tea
Just you and me and the devil makes three
Drinkin' and druggin' and watchin' TV

So you bring the chemicals I bring the wine
I fiddle with yours and you diddle with mine
Then drunked and drugged we fall on our backs
Naturally performing unnatural acts

Such as drinkin' and druggin' and watchin' TV...

In the flickin' TV light we're goin' to hell
Makin' love with the sound off the PTL
Jim Baker can see what you're doin' to me
Drinkin' and druggin' and watchin' TV

So stop drinkin' stop druggin' stop watchin' TV
Stop eatin' cold pizza and drinkin' ice tea
Stop lovin' your life degenerately
Drinkin' and druggin' and watchin' TV
Drinkin' and druggin' and watchin' TV

**********

13.

Your Credit Card Won't Get You Into Heaven

Shel Silverstein

© Evil Eye Music, BMI

Your credit card won't get you into heaven
Your Visa will not buy you silver wings
And when you're burning down in hell with no water in the well
Your Diner's Club won't buy you one cold drink

You cannot charge salvation or redemption
Your Master Charge it won't help to save your skin
When you're standing in the gates and they slam 'em in your face
Your Playboy Key it will not get you in

**********

14.

I've Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman

Royal C. Bannon

© Warner-Tamerlane Publ, BMI

I've served my time losin' track of the wine looking through red eyes at the blues
Holdin' on till the very last song tryin' to make up my mind who to choose
Chasing a dream in a whiskey world down the neon avenue
And I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman but I've sure woke up with a few

Ain't it funny how liquor and the flicker of a candle
Makes you see from a different view
Oh I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman
But I've sure woke up with a few

I've met more than one morning lyin' there groanin' cryin' Lord what did I do
Hangin' my head as I slipped from her bed tryin' hard not to leave any clues
When I start out the evening I'm being selective but I'll take anything after two
No I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman but I've sure woke up with a few

Ain't it funny how liquor and the flicker of a candle...
No I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman but I've sure woke up with a few

**********

15.

Desperados Waiting For The Train

Guy Clark

© World Song Publ, ASCAP

I'd play the Red River Valley and he'd sit in the kitchen and cry
Run his fingers through seventy years of living and wonder
Lord has every well I drilled gone dry
We was friends me and this old man
Desperados waiting for the train desperados waiting for the train

He's a drifter and a driller of oil wells and an old school man of the world
Taught me how to drive his car when he's too drunk to
And he'd wink and give me money for the girls
Our lives was like some old western movie
Like desperados waiting for the train like desperados waiting for the train

From the time that I could walk he'd take me with him
To a bar called the Green Frog Cafe
There was old men with beer guts playin' dominos
Lyin' bout their lives while they'd play
I was just a kid they all called his sidekick
Like desperados waiting for the train like desperados waiting for the train

One day I looked up and he's pushin' eighty
There's brown tobacco stains all down his chin
To me he's one of the heroes of this country
So why's he all dressed up like them old men
Drinking beer and playing moon and 42
Like desperados waiting for the train like desperados waiting for the train

Just before he died I went to see him I was grown and he was almost gone
So we closed our eyes and dreamed us up a kitchen
And sang another verse to that old song
He said come on Jack I swear this time it's comin'
And we're desperados waiting for the train we're desperados waiting for the train
We're desperados waiting for the train

**********