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Homer & Jethro

Cool Crazy Christmas

RCA Victor LSP-4001
Oct / 1968

Produced by Chet Atkins

Cover image of Cool Crazy Christmas

Homer Haynes - vocal/guitar
Jethro Burns - vocal/mandolin
Wayne Moss, Fred Carter - guitar
Henry Strzelecki - bass
Jerry Carrigan - drums
Hargus Pig Robbins - keyboards
Charlie McCoy - harmonica/vibes

1.

Nuttin' Fer Christmas

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

Johnny is a little brat
I'm a gonna tan his hide
Well he durn near ruined our pussycat
I'm a gonna tan his hide
Before the cat could shift her gears
Johnny grabbed grandma's pinkin' shears
And he cut her tail off behind her ears
I'm a gonna tan his hide

Oh he's a gettin' nuttin' fer Christmas
He's a gettin' nuttin' you bet
Nuttin's too good for our Johnny
And that's what he's a gonna get

One night I took him out to dine
I'm a gonna tan his hide
His table manners weren't so fine
I'm a gonna tan his hide
Mashin' taters with his toes
Pourin' gravey on my clothes
And a shovin' stringbeans up my nose
I'm a gonna tan his hide

Oh he's a gettin' nuttin' fer Christmas...
[ mandolin ]
I sat Johnny on my knees
I'm a gonna tan his hide
Well I told him about the birds and bees
I'm a gonna tan his hide
Soon my brain was in a whirl
And my hair begin to curl
Cause he told me about boys and girls
I'm a gonna tan his hide

So you better be good whatever you do
Cause if you're bad I'm a warnin' you
Johnny boy if you ain't good I'm gonna tell Santy Claus you're a midget
And you'll get nuttin' fer Christmas

**********

2.

Frosty The Snowman

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

Frosty the snowman got a job out on the farm
And the farmer knew he'd never do the animals any harm
Frosty had a little lamb and he put it on the shelf
And everytime it wagged it's tail it spanked it's little self

They sent him out to shovel snow and frosty looked so grim
For everytime he stopped to rest his work piled up on him
Frosty the snowman liked to herd the sheep it's true
Everyday he'd hear the rams a singin' ewe ewe ewe
[ guitar ]
Frosty tried to milk the cows but he was such a slouch
The cows would never holler moo they'd only holler ouch
He fed the cows some sugar and they drank from a frozen stream
Now when ole frosty milks the cows they only give ice-cream

He cross-bred beets and taters and imagine his surprise
When he dug the taters up they all had blood-shot eyes
Frosty the snowman backed into the stove one day
Tho it felt so warm it ruined his form he melted plumb away

**********

3.

I Saw Mommy Smoochin' Santa Claus

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

I saw mommy smoochin' Santa Claus
Underneath the Christmas tree last night
She puckered up her lips pleasure she did seek
She missed his mouth and kissed his nose and the dern thing sprung a leak
Then I heard mommy tell ole Santa Claus
Santa you're a funny fat ole flirt
And you learned to kiss no doubt playin' bugle in the boy scouts
Santa baby are you sure you ain't Al Hirt

I saw mommy smoochin' Santa Claus
Underneath the Christmas tree last night
Their smoochin' was so loud it woke up Uncle Fud
It sounded like a cow a pullin' her foot out of the mud
Then I shot Santy with a BB gun and you should have heard ole Santa squall
Well he jumped about ten feet then he took off up the street
And he hollered Merry Christmas to you all

**********

4.

Santa Claus Thye Original Hippie

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

Well who wore long hair and a fuzzy beard
before any hippie was ever here
From patent leather boots and psychedelic clothes
And little granny glasses upon his nose
Santy Claus the original hippie

Motorcyle gangs with wide leather belts
A funny lookin' caps their prides would melt
If they could take a look at Santy Claus's buckle
His belly's called pot that's why he can chuckle
Santy Claus the original hippie

Who is the guy who could always fly
Long before the Wright Brothers learned to fly
He's been takin' trips since 1583
And he could take a trip without LSD

Who wears a collar and cuffs of fur
For all we know there's beads under there
Cause he was the first to smell hippie clothes
That's why his finger's up against his nose
Santy Claus the original hippie
[ guitar - mandolin ]
Who is the guy who could always fly...
Who wears a collar and cuffs of fur...
Hip hip hip hippie hip hip hip hippie

**********

5.

All I Want For Christmas Is My Upper Plate

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

All I want for Christmas is my upper plate
I'm losin' weight without my plate
I got my lowers but I need my upper plate
So I can eat my Christmas turkey

I left 'em in a glass of water by my side
When I awoke I nearly died
I hope the guy who took 'em will be satisfied
Cause I can't eat my Christmas turkey

I used to eat corn on the cob and little bitty pickled green termaters
Christmas Day all I can is pass the mashed potaters so won't somebody
tell me what I'm gonna do my poor old gums are black and blue
Theturkey's on the table but I just can't chew
And this ain't a very merry Christmas
[ mandolin ]
Christmas candy sure is hard I can't even chew it just a little
Christmas Day all I can say is pass the peanut brutal
That's brittle Jethro without my upper plate it's brutal

So if you 've got an extra plate that's laid away
I'll borrow it for Christmas Day
You can send it to me care of RCA
And friends that address is 806 17th Avenue South Nashville Tennessee
I don't know the zip code and I'll have a very merry Christmas cha cha cha

**********

6.

Ornaments

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

Oh I've got a gal she's six foot three
She's built like a Christmas tree
She's got ornaments ornaments
Yes you ought to see what she has got for ornaments

Well she sent me to the store to get a loaf of bread
I come home with butter and she hit me in the head
With those ornaments ornaments
Yes you ought to see what she has got for ornaments
[ guitar ]
Well I ask her where she got that shape
She said some doc had used lots of tape
On those ornaments ornaments
Yes you ought to see what she has got for ornaments

Now Jethro really is so meek
She slapped him when he tried to peek
At those ornaments ornaments
Yes you ought to see what she has got for ornaments
[ mandolin ]
Well when she walks it's plain to see
It rattles my rattle my rattle my tree
With those ornaments ornaments
Yes you ought to see what she has got for ornaments

Well before you think them nasty things
Her ornaments are those swing when they ring
That's her ornaments ornaments
Yes you ought to see what she has got for ornaments

**********

7.

Night Before Christmas

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the pad
We were all psyched out specially ole Dad
He came floatin' in at a quarter past four
And he passed out cold on the livin' room floor
The children were sleepin' as if they were dead
We had slipped 'em a mickey and put 'em to bed
While stuffin' the turkey from mother we heard
Hold still or I'll kill ya you dirty old bird
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
And oh what a terrible smell filled the air
When all of a sudden the door opened wide
And a fat ole cat came a walkin' inside
With a beard like a hippie and a crazy red suit
And a sack on his back filled with all kinds of loot
I'd a come down the chimney said jolly St Nick
But I just had my suit cleaned and I gotta look slick
So I'll fill up the stockings and then hurry on
Cause I left my sleigh in a no parkin' zone
Well he brought maw a new girdle and he said with a smile
Well maw I guess that outta hold you awhile
And paw you'll get a present you get it as soon
As I found out just how you gift wrap a saloon
And for all the kiddies you'll love what I found
It's a rock and roll record without any sound
Then Santa said folks that's about it
I got places to go so I gotta split
But I am sure am weary from totin' this load
So before I go I'll have one for the road
So we broke out the booze and we all had a blast
And the next thing we knew ole Santy was gassed
Then Santy said folks I'll just stay here I think
Cause I can't drive them reindeer whenever I drink
So let's have another a shot and a beer
And have a yule that's cool and a crazy new year

**********

8.

Jingle Bells

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to freeze your feet off every day
Jingle bells jingle bells they have got to go
They're ok if you're a penquin or an eskimo

Christmas time is here again with it comes the snow
It's awful hard to start your car when it's 12 below
My antifreeze is failin' me the battery is dead
Then all at once that awful sound comes ringin' in my head

Jingle bells jingle bells ringin' in my head
If I had a lick of sense I'd go right back to bed
Jingle bells jingle bells listen to them chime
I wish they would have Christmas in the good ole summertime
[ guitar - mandolin ]
You shovel off the sidewalk and you shovel off your car
You don't care where you're goin' just as long as it is far
You want to leave this ice and snow you're ready for the drive
When a city snowplow comes along and buries you alive

Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way...

**********

9.

Randolph The Flat Nosed Reindeer

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

Randolph the flat-nosed reindeer had a funny lookin' snout
So Santy cut his nose off just to try and smooth it out
And when they sewed his nose on Santy sewed it upside down
Now everytime the rain falls poor old Randy nearly drowns

Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santy came to say
Randy with your nose so flat won't you tell me where I'm at
Then Randy took a deep breath and he looked so very strange
We're out behind the stockyards how I wish the wind would change
[ mandolin ]
Randy tried to hitch a ride one cold December day
He jumped on the back of a Chevrolet and the backfire took his breath away
Randolph the flat-nosed reindeer wished his nose would glow instead
But it would never light up cause his batteries were dead
Randolph the flat-nosed reindeer

**********

10.

Santa Baby

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

Santa baby I need a milkin' pail for my cow
And how I used my shoes up till now
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby the big house sorta needs a new roof that's smell proof
So make sure you don't goof
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight

My poor hen needs a bin
She stays up all night and gee I'll bet that she's dead
Maybe she would lay more eggs if she could sorta rest her legs

Santa baby my goat needs lots of feed heaven knows just so's
He'll stopeatin' my clothes
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby I need a brand new guitar pick I vow
I've used my toenail up till now
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby I need a brand new huntin' jacket so there
You know I can't go a huntin' bare
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight

Don't bring me no little shoat and don't bring me no billy goat
The neighbors sure would throw a fit as soon as they got wind of it

Santa baby I've been a good boy all year long
Don't scold I brought home everything that I stoled
Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa baby hurry down the chimney tonight

**********

11.

Santa's Movin' On

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

You oughta a seen the look on paw
When he seen Santy Claus a kissin' maw
He's a movin' on he's a movin' on
That mistletoe has gotta go he's a movin' on

You oughta seen ole Santy quiver
When she slapped him in the face with a reindeer liver
He's a movin' on he's a movin' on
Poor ole St Nick was a lookin' sick he's a movin' on
[ mandolin ]
Santa Claus looked awful strange
When poor ole Rudolph got the mange
He's a movin' on he's a movin' on
His nose was red his fur was dead he's a movin' on

Ole St Nick let out a whine
When he sat down on a porcupine
He's a movin' on he's a movin' on
He stood real still when he felt the quill he's a movin' on
[ guitar ]
Santa was a sad ole man
When he backed into the electric fan
He's a movin' on he's a movin' on
That's all my friend this is the end he's a movin' on

**********

12.

Nite After Christmas

Henry Haynes - Kenneth Burns

© Acuff-Rose Music, BMI

The faggy christmas stockin's were lyin' on the floor
The empty christmas wrappin's looked like there'd been a war
The children werent nestled or snuggled in their beds
They went a belly-wappin' down the stairs on their sleds
Then maw tried on her Christmas hat and felt just like a queen
Till paw found out how much it cost and turned all red and green
The christmas tree was lit up and so was Uncle Sy
He thought he was a reindeer and insisted he could fly
He hollered out hey Blitzen why don't you wait for me
Then landed right smack in the middle of the Christmas tree

Uncle Harry was paradin' up and down the hall
A breakin' in new slippers a half a size too small
My sister and her boyfriend were fightin' toe to toe
She caught him a kissin' someone else beneath the mistletoes
Then paw got out his squirrel gun the one he got from maw
Now he was only cleanin' it but blasted down the wall
The baby started cryin' and maw said can't you see
Christmas comes but once a year and that's enough for me

And then from in the fireplace there rose up such a clatter
We ran into the parlor to see what was the matter
The chimney was a shakin' the sout fell all about
A voice within was bellerin' won't someone let me out
We looked up on the rooftop and much to our surprise
We saw eight little reindeer but no one there to drive
Then paw poked up the chimney he used a great big stick
And all at once came tumblin' down a feller called St Nick
All covered up with ashes from his head right to his foot
And when he spoke from out his beard fell twenty pounds of sout
Since Christmas Eve I've been in there I'd like to make it clear
If you don't get your chimney fixed I won't be back next year
And then as quick as lightnin' he sprang up to his sleigh
He gave a little whistle and soon was on his way but I could
Hear him holler as he drove out of sight
A merry christmas to you all and to you all goood night

**********



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